The title says it all. I haven't been feeling it recently. But you know what? That's okay, because I decided to write my way through life. No matter what happens or how I feel, I will write and share, so that if nothing else, I have my records to show for the fact that I tried, every step of the way.
Not to be too analytical, but I think one reason I've been feeling a little down is because I haven't really been too active with my socials or Substack posting. Part of this has to do with the fact that I've developed such a heavily Korea-focused theme for my online persona, and I'm hesitant to depart from that with my posts about Southeast Asia, where I'm currently traveling. The other aspect of it is that I'm not really feeling confident enough about my perspective on, and observations of, the cities I'm in. I like it, I don't like it — what does it matter? That's the way things are and my saying something about it won't change anything.
You know what else I realized? Maybe my interest in culture is a bit on the superficial side. This is a huge confession that I don't make lightly, but I need to get it off my chest. I've been noticing that I haven't really been picking up on or retaining the aesthetic details of the things I've been seeing, doing, eating, etc. So at the end of the day, when I sit down to write, it's a real struggle even to just describe what I experienced.
Is it because the aesthetic experiences of Bangkok and Singapore have been less interesting than those in Korea? Hardly! It's the same level of stimulation, packed with just as much aesthetic content. The only difference is that in Korea, I'm on a mission. I always feel this compulsion to introduce Korea in the most positive and interesting light to a supposedly foreign audience. And this desire to “uplift” Korean culture onto “the world stage” is largely what pushes me to notice, retain, analyze, and write about the details. In other words, if Korea had not been my country, I would have been just as incapable of taking in the stimuli in a meaningful way as I was in Bangkok and as I am here in Singapore.
I'm reminded more and more of what my friend A said to me once: it's not necessarily about uplifting it, it's about enjoying Korean culture for what it is. My time in Southeast Asia so far has made me realize I can't just enjoy and take things in for what they are. They must have some utility to me — as in, I need to be able to sell it or promote it in a way that somehow makes me feel better about myself. Not to be dramatic, but I am kind of in despair about this introspective knowledge that I think I have always had, but that is coming into high relief now.
I'm afraid — I'm afraid I have nothing to offer. Because it doesn't take a genius to realize that someone who truly can enjoy something for what it is will better able to introduce it to others. And I'm afraid that whatever I write, especially in this uninspired state, will expose me for the sham that I am.
Having no genuine passion or perspective to offer is, I guess, a sort of death sentence for a writer, which I am and want to be. So rather than fake it, I decided to be true to who I was at the moment. I decided if I didn't have a genuine perspective on Bangkok or Singapore, I would simply share my candid feelings on the business I'm trying to make of peddling cultures.
Seeing it written out that way, with the words “business” and “culture” side by side in one sentence, really hits different. Who am I kidding? Culture is life. It's people's lives. Who do I think I am to be selling people's lives. And if it's an aspect of culture that is no longer a part of people's lives but exists only in a museum, does it matter that I share it? What's the point of going on about something that has fallen out of relevance for the majority of people? Don't get me wrong — there are traditions that I feel are so precious for their attention to detail and quality and ability to survive the vicissitudes of history. But should I be the one — am I the one capable of — extending their lifespans? Maybe I was being presumptuous.
But I feel much better now having shared this with you, the reader. If there's one lesson I am learning, it's that sharing always helps. Some people can be strategic about what they post — I guess the only thing I can be is honest.
Thanks for reading.